Had a friend post on Facebook this morning about how we just can’t seem to do anything but yell in each other’s faces, right now. We can’t seem to compromise. Listening is out the window because we are just trying to win whatever argument we are in, just looking to make points.
He asked when it will end.
And I don’t know. I’m trying to
see things in terms of, collectively, where this movement will take us. Will our emotional exhaustions force us to
take breaks from social media and see its power decline? Or are we too addicted? It’s an unprecedented level of connection
which allows us to share personal feelings and day-to-day struggles at a level
we’ve never experienced before. It feeds
into our instant gratification and (literally) gives us little dopamine hits
throughout our day. I vaguely remember
the same sort of uproar when TV went cable.
Kids addicted! Moral outrage! Maybe
they weren’t wrong then. Maybe we aren’t
wrong now. But I have to believe it will
level out. People will learn how to
manage this new beast.
But if they don’t, I think we will see a reactive surge of
agrarian life: more connection with nature, more space between people (social
distancing?), and an emphasis on self-reliance.
Americans have been moving to cities, becoming a more urban community consistently
since the Civil War. This might be the
time to turn back. With pandemics ongoing
(and in the pipeline) and food-borne illnesses happening due to long food
storage and travel times, I see more small farms popping up. It’s a kind of
reaction, a swing toward balance.
And that’s where I’m hoping we are heading, back. Not back like MAGA back. I feel like that is foolish, solipsistic
nostalgia that completely ignores our problems in the past and the damage they
caused others. However, I am talking
politics. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I
remember that a candidate used to be pretty moderate to get the most votes, but
since Newt Gingrich got nasty to get his Speaker position and the Democratic
party saw the writing on the wall and ousted moderates like Zell Miller, the
middle has gotten smaller and smaller.
There used to be more room for common ground. The middle used to be big enough for both
parties. I’m hoping we can get back
there. Or start a third or fourth
party. But I feel like we’ve almost
gotten as far to the right or left as we can without breaking our
representative system. I want to keep
the system, but let it do its thing. (I’m
looking at you, Mitch.)
To me, that’s the real question: can we keep the
system? The system is inherently flawed. It was made by men a long time ago, after
all. However, it was built to be
flexible, to change. We can vote new
representatives in. We can appoint new
judges. We can amend the
Constitution. Our government is a
reflection of ourselves. Right now, we
are pretty darn ugly. Our government represents
our personal inability to get past making our own point.
This is where I want to talk about civility, things like
civil obedience and civil discourse. I
do not think civility outweighs justice.
Justice ensures civility.
Civility does not ensure justice.
Some of the memes and comments I see online start with something like “If
they would just…” follow instructions or not commit crimes or not burn things
or be quiet or … behave. There are a
couple of things that get my back up about this kind of comment.
First, who is “they”?
It automatically tells me that the speaker sees the context as us vs
them. “They” is some sort of unnamed, differentiated
group that makes decisions, not as individuals, but as a group. One person is automatically seen as
representing an entire group. I don’t
want my decisions to be attributed to every person who is like me. I don’t represent all women. I don’t represent all whites. I don’t represent all Americans. I don’t represent all former Republicans who
are going to vote Democrat. My actions
and words belong to me. I am responsible
for them. I can and should be held
responsible for them.
Second, those comments seem to suggest that following the
rules will bring about change for the people who need it. Historically, that’s just not the case. American history especially proves that to be
true. We are a nation of misfits and
weirdos who didn’t fit in anywhere else in the world. We literally created our own country because
we didn’t like how everyone else was running theirs. We did that by causing endless problems for
England. King George wasn’t listening to
us, so we got increasingly violent. Eventually,
they sent troops to keep us in our place.
The troops roughed us up, threatened us, imprisoned us. Eventually, they killed one of ours and that
did it. America doesn’t have the moral
high ground on this one. Our history is
one of rebellion and in-fighting. Change
came from raised voices and bloodshed.
People like to point to MLK Jr. and The Freedom Riders as
peaceful agents of change. Yes. From a
marketing perspective, then (even more than now) black and brown Americans had
to actively combat their image as less smart, more primal, and unequivocally
dangerous. They literally had to make white
people see them as human, rather than animal.
Now, the letter of the law acknowledges everyone’s shared rights. Some laws do this better than others. However, the actions of the law are still carried
out by (not just white) people who suffer from bits and pieces of those
long-held beliefs that some of us are more dangerous than others, even when we
do our best to really think about these ideas.
But after laws were changed and people of all colors kind of
settled back into what felt comfortable, even when groups who clamored for the
rights they deserve began to enjoy some freedoms, when black and brown people “behaved,”
they still got hassled, beat up, arrested, kept out of management, told they
couldn’t live in certain parts of town, set up for predatory lending. Good behavior did not equal more
opportunity. In some cases it meant less,
because some folks just want to keep everyone in their place.
That feeling, of wanting to keep someone in their place, is
not confined to race relations. I do it
with my kids when I don’t feel like I’m getting the respect I deserve. Josh does it with me when don’t take his word
on a “fact” without documentation. I see
it between moms when one mom dares to encroach on the greatness of her kid vs. another
kid. It’s a very human thing to protect our
status, our safety, what we are used to having.
I don’t think it is wrong, necessarily, but I do think it needs to be
explored. Underneath it is fear. It is a symptom of loss of control. Just like when I do this with the kids, my
first (and often explored – sorry kids) impulse is to get louder and exert my
authority. I punish.
In creating a scenario where I compare my own discomfort
with my teenagers pushing back on my authority with our nation discomfort with
protests and violence, I have inadvertently made the protesters little teenage
punks. I don’t want to say that. Their rage (yes, rage) is totally understandable. I think about my own Karen-y rage that creeps
up when things don’t go my way. Silly
things. Stupid things. Stuff like not getting served in a timely
manner or someone not behaving in traffic.
It is the SAME RAGE I feel toward my kids when I am not getting the
respect I deserve. I cannot imagine the
rage I would feel those stupid, silly things were actually big life-changing,
life-threatening things.
What I am trying to say is that I understand the discomfort,
the pushback. I’m trying to be honest
about how the news affects me, what it does to my blood pressure and my feeling
for my fellow Americans. What I also
want to say is this: I think my feelings of wanting safety and security matter
less than doing the right thing.
Strangely, that’s kind of hard to write. I’m pretty protective of my feelings --and,
let’s be honest, my stuff. I’m assuming
that most of the folks reading this feel the same way. I’m allowed to feel the way I feel! Don’t mess with me and mine! Totally true.
But I still will put doing the right thing above that. Maybe we essentially disagree about what is
the right thing. Maybe that’s the
problem. I don’t know, though. I feel like we all agree that people should
be treated with understanding. I think
we all agree that wrong-doing should be investigated and punished, the same
across the board. Maybe even we can all
agree that our current behavior really isn’t working for us.
So, while I don’t agree that civility should outweigh
justice, I hope that we do not give up our ability to improve our justice
system by civil discourse, even if that temporarily results in civil
discord. I want to believe in the
America where we engage in improving our system even when it goes against the
grain, rather than protecting it because it feels comfortable. So I’m working on listening and directing my
rants into blogs no one will read. I’m
reading more and stepping back from screens.
I’m looking out the window and reaching out to friends. I’m reminding myself that change is the
natural order of things, not staying the same.
I’m looking for the good in all of us.
Please don’t let us down.
